there are quite a few times I get a thought and think "that could make a good blog entry". But its usually just that - a thought. One thought. Not an eloquent speech. Not a piece of writing that a teacher would approve with complete thesis statement, plot, build up, 3 main points, climax, supporting data or summary statement. A sentence hardly seems worth writing.
That, and I tell myself to just stay busy living life. I would like to think I have such a scheduled, always exciting life going here, there and everywhere that I simply don't have time to blog. If you assumed that is why I lack in regular entries, good, I want you to think that. I must admit though you would be mistaken.
Take today for example. Got up at 8 am. Got fancied up for church (mind, I work at a camp so its nice to have an excuse to look like I care about my appearance every once in awhile), packed a change of active clothes not knowing what the afternoon would bring, snarfed 1/2 bagel, manned the Welcome Center at church, listened to a sermon about what generosity should look like and what our hearts, sadly, don't show through our [lack of] actions. Wandered around between services looking for people to connect with and talk to without much luck. My change of clothes found their way back home with me to a simple life. I started to scroll through my phone numbers to see if anyone stood out as someone I should call to hang out with but 300 is a lot to sort through so I focused on lunch.
I posted on facebook 'anyone want to watch Elf?' It did get comments and likes throughout the day but no one read the pathetic-ness in my post which was really a cry for someone to reach out to me and hang out! I could have been more straight forward and added 'call me' but wanted to sound more indifferent about it. Oooooooooooooohhhhh well.
Ended up playing a LOT of spider solitaire (my new obsession), stalking on facebook, reading emails (too lazy to respond just yet....), cleaned my bathroom thoroughly (yay!), emptied out my coaching bag, whipped out some icing for cookies made yesterday, wrapped a Christmas present, drug my booty to the gym to burn off 500 calories of the way more calories I consumed of aforementioned cookies, and... prayed and pined for fellowship.
This is screaming of loneliness. Honestly, I'm not lonely, I had a quaint day at home. I kept in mind that come January (a.k.a. retreat season non-stop) I will yearn for such a day. I am thankful for today's simplicity. But why couldn't I spend part of it in deep prayer, digging in God's word, run outside during working up a healthy sweat? Or why didn't I call someone?
I wonder if people I've been hanging out with the past year are friends mostly just because its been convenient. I've felt this a few times in my life when I have expected more kindness and commitment to be shown to me through making an effort to see/spend time with me not be met because it wasn't as convenient for them as other friendships or activities. It's never a welcome experience especially because my personality type cares a ton about relationships. Not that I have to have a ton of relationships, but that the ones I do I care about, invest in and desire mutual respect, response & care. When I take the time to open up my home and invite others to come it's tough not to interpret their responses of "I'm not up for the drive", "I haven't decided yet [read: waiting to see if something better comes up]", "sounds fun/I really want to but..." to really be saying "You're not that important to me." Ouch. Especially when I put out some feelers asking if anything was going on and not too much was pre-planned. Those who did end up coming drove farther than the group I've spent way too much time driving to see. I probably won't too quickly forget but I'll get over it and forgive. Sigh.
Here's to quiet reflective days.
